From Vlad to Chocolate

His name wad Vlad.  He was the most feared man in Romania in his time.  The appalling deeds done by this man are far too graphic to be unveild for you gentle reader.  Instead, I will give you a more uplifting tale of how this man came to be a helpful member of society and how he turned his life around for the better.

Saying that he turned his life around would be incorrect with a Mrs. Dash of irony.  He was already undead at the time that he wanted to better himself.  For two hundred years Vlad lived in his castle in Romania feeding off of the blood of the innocent in order to satisfy his insatiable cravings.  He was more feared dead than alive.  Most villagers kept their distance from Vlad, but there were always heroes and curious parties that wanted to dare explore the forbidden castle, the castle of Dracula.

Count Dracula was his new name now, similar to how Anakin Skywalker assumed the name Darth Vader when the darkness took him.  Evil pumped through his veins and rage filled his soul.  Rage against the living and all that could live in the light.  The only thing that brought him comfort was his coffin.  It is a common misconception that Dracula and other vampires need to sleep in their coffins to rejuvinate themselves after an evening of slaughter.  This is clearly untrue.  Dracula had a tree in his backyard during his days as Vlad the Impaler.  It was an Elm tree which Vlad cleverly named Elmer.  He spent years watering that tree until it grew to be a towering symbol of his power.

When Vlad died and became Dracula, he was unable to get out to his tree to water it. Eventually the tree died.  Dracula grieved for days for the loss of his friend.  Eventually he went out and chopped it down.  The only way he felt he could be with his tree was to be inside it as one would be with a woman.  This proved difficult since the tree was male, dead, and a tree.  He decided that he would make an encasing for himself in which he would sleep.  Thus the coffin was born.  Other vampires in later tales would steal this idea and change the lore behind it to fit their own needs.

In the early 1970s Dracula came to America on a red eye flight.  He landed in New York City and spent most of the time living in the sewers and avoiding the sunlight.  He fed mainly on people in the subway tunnels and looked for ways to start his own business in the land of opportunity.  Eventually he met a man named Jim.

Jim discovered Dracula asleep on the subway one day.  He approached Dracula fearing that he was dead.  Vampires don’t breathe so when they sleep they do seem rather lifeless.  Dracula awoke at once and lunged at Jim, but did not kill him.  Dracula saw something in Jim’s eyes and stopped.  They sat down together and began discussing things.  It turned out that Jim had a kids show that he was working on and he had been searching for people in New York subway tunnels to star in the show.  Jim had already found a marijuana dealer named Luis, and bald headed gangbanger named Gordon, and a crotchety old Korean vet named Hooper.

Jim decided that this vampire was to be the cornerstone of this kids show.  Vlad did not have any special skills to speak of, he had spent his entire life killing people.  This was not much to put on a resume, but he could count.  He was hoping to get a job as an accountant, but he could not add or subtract, he could only count starting from one.  This was good enough for Jim, he gave Dracula a job on his show.  Along with his salary, which was considerable, Jim supplied Dracula with pigs blood to satisfy his cravings.  Jim also didn’t like the name Dracula, and the fact that he was a Count that could count was too much of a pun to pass up.  And on that day, the Count was born.

The Count was an instant success amoung the children and while he was on set he wore a fuzzy purple outfit to shield his fragile skin from the sun.  He taught children the art of counting from one to ten and became very good at it over the years.  He became so famous that Hooper asked the Count if he would be interested in getting into logistics for his shop.  Hooper, the crotchety old Korean vet, owned a shop on the kids show they both worked on.  The count was delighted to put his counting skills to further use.

One day, something that nobody could have predicted happened.  The count was unloading chocolate from a rather large truck parked next to the television antenna that broadcasted the show to the nation.  It was storming out that day and while he was arm deep in chocolate, a lighting bolt struck the antenna.  It fused his body with fudge and cured his cravings for blood.  He was no longer an evil demon striving to be good.  He was now genuinely good… and made of chocolate.  He decided that he would bring children chocolate any time of day because all children needed to feel the goodness he felt from that day foreward.

He talked to children and the common response was, “Mom never lets me eat chocolate for breakfast!”  He felt that this was unfair and he vowed to change this.  He knew there was no way that moms would let the kids have a candy bar for breakfast, so he decided to disguise candy as a cereal.  He named it after himself fused with his new power and craving.  He was Count Dracula who loved chocolate… Count Chocula.

Count Chocula swept the nation faster than his life as the Count on the kids show.  His commercials for his product often showed thunderstorms in the background.  One commercial that aired in hte late 1980s and early 1990s showed him flying a kite into a “Chocolate Storm” where it was delicious up there.  This was something that the Count himself added in late production to celebrate the aniversary of his chocolate transformation.

The Count has had an amazing life.  The atrocities that he did in his previous life may never be forgiven, but if a man as cruel as Vlad the Impaler can change himself in such a way where childen all over the world can look at him with a familiar smile, maybe we can all change for the better as well.

COMING SOON!  CEASAR: FROM SUPREME CHANCELLOR TO PIZZA MAN